Why Raising Adults is Better Than Raising Kids

Yep, you heard me right. Raising adults is WAY better. But, maybe not like you’re thinking. I realize that parenting is a job that never ends, so bare with me as I write this post and set the “adult” level at 18.

We have 18 years with our kids. 18 years to prepare them for the world ahead of them. Of that 18 years, the first 3 are pretty much out. This is spent on a lot of gross motor skills. Building muscles to support the body, crawling, walking, running, picking things up, feeding themselves, potty training, talking, etc. Roughly around 3 they start to encounter social/emotional situations.

On the back side of things. By the time a child is 13 to 14 years old, you MIGHT have 2 years left to teach them things, if you’ve developed the kind of relationship that they will still listen to your advice. Let’s split the difference and say by 15, they have developed a sense of who it is they want to be, and have hit the stage where they are pretty much testing out being an adult without being able to be held responsible at an adult level. So, we’ve lost 3 years of real parenting time at the start, and 3 years at the end. That leaves us with 12 years to do the actual “child raising,” part of parenting. 12 years to fit in emotional intelligence, communication, handling difficulties and set backs, boundaries, etc.

We could spend those 12 years teaching them kid tools. Just walk away when someone is picking on you. Find a new friend when someone hurts your feelings. Calling everyone a friend (If you haven’t read it already, check out my series on explaining social friendships to kids for why we don’t call everyone we meet a friend). Pushing obedience over respect. Shouldering their battles for them, not allowing them to negotiate things like bed time and screen time. Not respecting their boundaries. Trying to mold them into the person we want them to be, rather than encouraging them to be the person they want to be.

But, here’s the problem. If we teach them the things listed above, then we’re only equipping our children with childhood level skills/tools. We essentially remove their entire foundation for problem solving once they turn 18. We spend their childhood years teaching them that because they’re a kid, things get handled differently. Because they’re a kid, they’re not allowed to participate in the adult world, in adult level conversations. That their voice and their vote don’t count nearly as much. And then, they turn 18 and graduate high school, and all the rules they’ve been practicing go out the window.

They’re expected to negotiate their employment, be responsible for their education in college and communicating with teachers themselves, sign contracts, open bank accounts, manage a budget, manage their time, deal with disagreements within the work place, advocating for themselves and their worth/value, set boundaries with roommates. And, if you haven’t witnessed it already, you’ll realize that they are entirely unprepared for the adult world. They’ve spent years practicing skills/tactics that are outdated by the time they can actually put them to use.

So, what does it look like to “raise an adult”?

We allow negotiations and “real talks,” wherever possible. A great example is bedtime.

As a child, I remember asking to stay up later, and I remember the answer being no. I asked why, and the response was, “because I said so.” I often remember wanting to understand the logic/reasoning behind decisions as a child, and being met with some form of, “because I’m the adult, because I said so.” I remember it felt like a cop out.

So, when my daughter asked me around 7 years old for a later bedtime, we talked. She wanted to stay up until 8pm. Because the time after she goes to bed at night is the only time her dad and I may have a chance to sit down and chat with each other during the day, I didn’t want to give that up. So, I asked why she wanted a later bedtime. She told me it was because she didn’t feel tired at 7:45 (she’s a 6am riser) and it was hard to just lay there waiting to fall asleep. So, we met in the middle. I offered her the same, “bedtime,” but added to it the option for a “lights out,” time. She could have an extra 20 minutes to read, draw, color. Something without screens, and that she could do in bed, so that her body could still relax and it wouldn’t be hard to roll over and fall asleep when she became tired. She was thrilled with that solution, and quickly taught herself to read harder books at night because it meant she got to stay up later.

Now she’s 10, and has just asked for a later bedtime again. This time, I was able to talk with her about her dad and I wanting some time for ourselves once she was in bed. Because currently she goes to bed at 8, and lights out typically falls between 8:30 and 9 on nights she’s not out later for a class, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to push going to bed later. Especially since once lights out happens, she’s up filling a water bottle, often time calling downstairs on her dot, etc. And I explained to her that because of that, our quiet time usually doesn’t happen until at least 9:30 to 10 pm because we’re still fielding questions, I’m not sure I’m apt to push her bedtime back further.

By giving her that information, she was able to then think creatively for a solution. When she offered, “If I can make sure that I stop calling downstairs after lights out, and get better at making sure I do things like fill my water and use the bathroom before bed so that once I’m in bed for my reading time, I’m not getting back up and waking myself up, thus taking longer to fall asleep, do you think we could consider it?”

So, she heard the problem, and then found a way to make her case. It didn’t involve begging and pleading and whining. It involved showing that she could take responsibility and control over what she had the ability to take control over.

So often a child’s curiosity for the reason behind a decision is deemed as disrespectful. And I very much understand that tone and behavior play into this a lot. However, if you raise them to know how to have these negotiations, the tone and behaviors will, 90% of the time, be appropriate. They won’t feel shot down and disrespected and thus lash out. Now, as an adult, when she asks if she can have time off from her job, needs to schedule an appointment that means taking a longer lunch break, etc, she will have practice in understanding how her decisions may effect others. And, she will understand finding the root of the problem, and offering legitimate solutions and being a part of the solution rather than just a part of the disgruntled employee pool.

She has learned how to advocate for herself. With peers, with parents, with other adults. She has learned that the respect you give to an adult, you give not because they’re an adult, but because they’re a human. If an adult would like you’re personal respect, they are welcome to earn it. By being able to have very honest discussions, and open discussions, it has enabled her to negotiate her pay as an employee. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I remember my first job. I remember things not seeming right. I remember pay issues. And I remember keeping my mouth shut because my boss, my HR people, my supervisor, was my “elder” and that meant I couldn’t push back. I should defer the same behavior I was expected to have with my parents.

How much different is that when you take keyboarding classes, accounting classes, business classes. In high school. In college. When you have prior work experience. And you apply for a job, and they offer you minimum wage. Instead of sounding entitled by saying, “I was hoping to make XYZ an hour,” you instead have the tools to say something like, “I appreciate the job offer. However, I recognize that I have this prior experience, and these classes under my belt. Do you have another salary/pay offer that might better reflect the experience and knowledge I’m bringing with me to this position?” If they tell you, “I’m sorry, this is a minimum wage position and that is all I’m authorized to offer,” the decision is now yours to accept, or to politely decline and continue looking. But, the choice stayed your own, rather than at the mercy of whatever was given to you.

Employers aren’t looking to hire 18 year old people and then raise them to interact in the adult world. With the way society is going right now, anyone who is already prepared to navigate the adult world will move out of entry level positions quickly.

As adults, we are not forced to spend time with others outside of the workplace, we aren’t forced to share our stuff, we have a say over the social situations we subject ourselves to. So, why shouldn’t kids? Again, within reason. Some things are in fact unavoidable. School, of some nature, is unavoidable. For those unable or unwilling to homeschool, that means public school and it’s attendees are necessary. But, the ability to give your children the ability to spend 12 to 15 years practicing skills that will serve them as an adult is doing them so much more of a favor.

Let them be kids. Let them imagine, and play outside, and be silly and get covered in dirt. But, also let them follow their interests. Involve them in things like cooking dinner once a week, in helping with the meal plan, teaching them how to budget their money for something they really want. As they get older, continue on that. Things like maybe giving them lunch money for the month for school. There will always be left overs and sandwiches available at home for brown bagging. If they blow their month lunch budget in 2 weeks, guess that means it’s brown bagging. If they opt to brown bag all month and save their money, now they have that available for snacks at the movies with friends, or a new game. There are ways to do this that doesn’t put adult level responsibility on children. A way to do it without ruining their childhood. But, at the end of the day, teaching them adult skills that they will use for 70-80 years of their life will benefit them more than letting them practice kid level skills for the first 12 years, and then ripping their foundation out from under them when they become an adult so that they have to figure it out all over again.