Part 7 of Understanding Social Friendships for Kids
Alright, we’ve covered everything else
All we’re left with is what we refer to as, “not our people.”
Don’t get me wrong, there are in fact bad people out in this world. However, the number of people we encounter that we opt to not be friends with, rarely is because they’re actually a bad person. Especially when kids are little, it’s hard to explain to them about people they maybe shouldn’t be friends with, without making it confusing or having them feel like that other child is bad. We encountered this heavily in preschool. There were a few other girls who, I’m sure, have developed into nice enough tweens at this point. However, at the time, when my daughter and these few girls all got together, it was absolutely toxic. I am unsure of where it started or stemmed from, nobody really had answers.
So, we finally hit a point where I told her to find other kids to play with. And she said, “why? Why can’t I play with them?”
I couldn’t tell her it was because they were bad kids or bad friends. I didn’t know them enough to know that. I hadn’t witnessed any situations first hand. For all I know, it all could have been instigated by my own child. While every parent hopes that’s not the case, the reality is without seeing it with my own eyes, every adult involved was dealing with a, “your word against theirs,” situation with these kids.
So, I blurted out, “they’re not your people.”
“What? What do you mean they’re not my people? They’re my age, and at my preschool, and in my class.”
And so began the chat. The one that a lot of this series was born from. As she got older, we encountered the issue again with a different child. Different situation. But, long and short of it, was a group of kids all doing ones word against the other, and there seemed to be no finding a resolution in which all parties could considered it reasonably handled and make the choice to either walk away, or move on. And so, again, I explained, “not your people.”
Not your people is a way to sum up that you are not healthy for one another. Perhaps not even by any one persons fault. Neither may be a bad person. Nobody did any one thing wrong. But, your time spent around one another does not leave you both walking away feeling good about your friendships or interactions. From an adult perspective, consider the following situation.
Leah is raised in a home where she always is being corrected. Not for bad behavior, maybe it’s little things. Put shoes away, room is never clean, homework isn’t done, maybe undiagnosed ADHD is leading to a lot of distracted behavior which creates for very little follow through. By such, Leah is slightly insecure about her relationships, especially ones where there is no feedback.
Julie is raised in a home where parents intentionally teach/parent for intrinsic motivation and refer back if she is proud of herself, if she feels like she completed something well. She’s not used to having to give feedback. If Julie and Lea try for a friendship, and Julie is very independent and used to doing and problem solving on her own, and not giving a lot of verbal affirmations or feedback, Leah may continuously feel like Julie is mad at her. Leah may compensate, which may frustrate Julie. And, they end up frustrated with one another, but can’t walk away from one another because neither is bad, neither has actually been mean. It’s been an interpretation of behaviors based on upbringing. Until they’re old enough to explore this and understand these things about themselves and work through it, maybe it’s just someone who, “isn’t your person right now.”
Those who are, “not your people,” still deserve respect. They’re like those in our “strangers,” or “acquaintances.”
By giving this category a name, it allows for children to reconcile why not everyone may be a friend, why not everyone may be someone you do playdates with. But, without them feeling like they’re bad. It also leaves room for growth. Just because someone is, “not our people,” right now, people change. They learn about themselves, they grow, they improve communication skills, their interests change, etc. People can move from a friend into, “not my people.” People can also move out of, “not my people,” into a peer and to a friendship.
This category has saved us a lot in the tween years. Kids often times don’t have too many heavy disagreements. So, they can often be friends for quite a while before encountering one. The obvious goal is to help kids work through their disagreements. But sometimes, how those disagreements are handled means some distance needs to happen. We encountered one once, and the level of blame and yelling that came out of the situation was unhealthy. Beyond just emotional, there was a very serious respect line crossed, followed by the beginnings of gas-lighting behavior. We try very hard to let our daughter make her own choices with friends, however this was one, as parents, we needed to put our foot down. With teen and dating years right around the corner, we did not want to leave the impression that this behavior should ever be tolerated in a relationship. And so, this friend was filed under, “not our people,” for right now. That friend could change behavior, it could be something they’re working on, it could be they’ve had a poor example in their lives and this is a wake up call that a better example needs to be had. Not a bad child, not a bad family, but for right now, they were, “not our people.”
So, if you’re explaining to little’s these different level of friendships, make sure you have a category like this that you can use. Especially while they’re little, there is so much to learn, so much development, so many behaviors to try on and model from parents and older siblings or kids on the bus, and a lot of behavioral extras that are just now starting to show themselves and haven’t been caught yet, thus not been addressed, practiced, or worked on.
