Part 5 of Understanding Social Friendship for Kids

Welcome to the second part of our breakdown on friends. If you’ve missed any of the previous posts, go catch up with the post on strangers, acquaintances, peers, and friends so you’re not missing anything.

I know I covered friends last week, however that was more geared towards young children. As your child enters the tween years and beyond, they will often find themselves considering their friend circle in a lot of the same ways they consider family. These are people they’re going to go to with their problems, with their questions, more than likely to complain about something that happened at home. They’re in a stage in life where they’re trying for independence, and a lot of times they’re going to have an issue feeling like they find it at home. They’re going to want to build a circle of people who they feel can understand and identify with what they’re feeling. The obvious parenting goal is to try and make sure they always feel they can talk to you, and to have a healthy relationship with them. But, not every parent/child relationship turns out like that. And so, the least we can do is prepare them for what emotional attachment and dependency looks like, and how to make smart choices in that area, hopefully before they need it.

So, as a tween, what does a friend look like?

• Someone who wants what is best for you
• Someone who doesn’t encourage you to make unsafe decisions (this could be anything from driving, to drinking/smoking, sex, self harm, etc)
• Someone you can trust. The biggest phrase I have used, and have heard used out of teenage girls is, “I’m not dramatic, drama just seems to follow me everywhere.” Honestly, there are a lot of adults who use this phrase too. Drama is often caused by giving someone more information than they can be trusted with. For example, Sarah is upset with Jessica over something Jessica said. Before Sarah talks to Jessica, she wants to speak with her/their friend Brenda to get her thoughts in order. However, if Brenda is apt to run to Jessica before Sarah gets a chance to and says something like, “You wouldn’t believe was Sarah said about you…” then Brenda is not someone who should be trusted to vent to/get feedback from. This does not make Brenda a bad person, possibly not even a bad friend. It does mean that Brenda is not someone you should give information to that you mind getting out.
• Someone who will be honest with you.
• And, as much as they don’t want to admit it, someone who will get an adult involved when/if necessary.
• Someone who doesn’t make you walk away from time spent together feeling poorly about yourself
• Someone who doesn’t only hang around when convenient (i.e. when all their other friends are too busy to hang out)
• Someone who will respect your boundaries. Boundaries for your body, boundaries for your actions and choices. Boundaries you have in order to maintain your integrity or your character.

Next up, family. Spoiler, it’s not just the people you’re related to!