Being Intentional, Rather than Passive, In Your Life-Part 3
Around the time my daughter turned 18 months, we started to see precursors to the dreaded “terrible 2’s.” Remembering what I had learned after reading marriage books, I wondered if there were a more intentional way to approach my daughter’s childhood. Is 2 actually terrible? Or, is there more I need to learn about children and this stage of life to make the most of it.
This time I picked up You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded) Instead of the usual parenting advice of more discipline and having to nip the attitude early, or just continuing with the bemoaning of these years, this book suggested options. Lots and lots of options. I feel like this book should be included in every new mom’s baby shower. It made all the difference. We waltzed through 2, and 3, with very little issues. We found a way to work through it. Setting clear boundaries, absolutely, but without all the “terrible” I was told was going to come.
And so, I scrounged for books. If I could get through 2 with a book that suggested tools that weren’t part of my childhood, what else could other books offer me? I was reading for phases we were going through, phases that were coming. I started to fill my parenting toolbox the same way I filled my marriage one.
The video that was in the introduction to being intentional in your life had a video in it. If you haven’t seen that post, go check it out so you can watch the video.
How many of us, as adults, have said things like, “I know my parents loved me, they tried their best, but….” I think all of us can say that. And we do have to look at things objectively. My generation will have the wealth of human knowledge at their fingertips for just about anything. My parents generation, the internet was just getting into homes, and there certainly wasn’t a parenting blog for everything. At most, you might get access to a medical research paper. Not exactly light reading after work. But, there are definitely parts of my childhood I can reflect on and feel like they weren’t even trying, much less trying their best. They might have figured they were doing well, because as best they knew I was a well behaved child, I didn’t talk back, I wasn’t getting in trouble at school or with the law. But, a kid with a clean record isn’t the only sign of good parenting. And, as a stand alone, does not give a complete picture.
And this is where being intentional comes in. What kind of relationship do you have with your child? Do they genuinely respect you, or is the respect actual fear due to an authoritarian household? Are you waiting until they’re 18 to actually develop a relationship with them, and in the meantime just consider them a child? What are your goals for them? For your relationship with them? Is it just to get them through high school and turn them lose on the world, or college?
Passive parenting is the mindset of, “I’ll deal with it when we encounter it.” What that often leads to though, is punishment rather than discipline. It often results in the kids learning to do better next time to not get caught, not to not repeat the mistake. The passive parent often waits until it’s too late to make change. Things like, the passive parent doesn’t have a puberty talk with their kid, nor the sex talk, nor the dating talk. They’ll save these talks for once the child is going through something, which more than likely, they’ll never know about.
Intentional parenting says, “I’m going to have a plan in place for my end goal. If something I’m unprepared for comes up, I will take a moment to pause, and think about my goal for handling this situation.” The intentional parent thinks through what they want their kids to know, and presents that information before the kids go in search of it elsewhere. An intentional parent keeps the long game in mind, not just the issue that’s being handled in the moment.
It does not mean making breakfast from scratch every morning, and being on the PTA and volunteering for field trips and staying at home. It does not mean fancy birthday parties, or any of the other stuff Pinterest would have you believe is necessary to show your child love. But, it is keeping in mind your relationship with your child. The one you have currently, and the one you want to have, in all the choices you make. It is understanding that just because they are your child, does not mean you automatically have a relationship with them. No more so than having a husband doesn’t mean you have a marriage. The marriage you have to work on. Your relationship with your child? You have to work on. You have to build. It does not just get built by telling them what to do, and waiting for them to obey, for 18 years.
