The Truth About The Socialization Question
Alright, after posting my snarky response to the “what about socialization,” question we homeschoolers tend to get, let’s actually talk about this, for real. In a constructive way, that might help others understand.
For starters, I believe you can raise a well adjusted and kind child, regardless of which way you educate them. I’d say the time parents spent trying to correct behaviors kids pick up from others at school, language, helping navigate social situations that they’re only privy to 1 side of, dealing with post school melt down, sass, etc, is about the same time homeschool parents spend actively teaching and planning our school year. Because we are continuously around to model correct behavior, able to watch social situations and teach resolution skills rather than “keep your nose clean,” skills, etc, not as much of our time is devoted to that. I think, if anything, we just sum that part up as parenting and not so much part of homeschooling. Both are hard, both take time, it’s just a matter of which one you want to pick.
So, that out of the way, here we go.
If I think of the epitome of a well adjusted, socialized adult, this is what comes to mind.
A person who can use their manners, actively listen and not interrupt others. A person with empathy, and someone that understands their actions and words have consequences.
Where can this be learned besides school? Within the family you can teach, require and practice all of this. Often times there are playdates that include older and younger siblings, times with friend’s parents and out on the playground. When they order for themselves at restaurants, ask librarians and customer service employees for help (the location of specific craft supplies in Michael’s has been a big one for us). They practice this and see this in their friendships, in the classes they take outside the home or co-ops if they’re involved in one of those. There are endless opportunities to practice basic manners and interaction and cause/effect without it needing to be in public school. I agree that this is most effective, specifically the cause and effect, with people you see regularly. That’s where having a good peer and friendship base as a homeschooler comes in.
A person who can can ask probing questions to better understand, who can communicate effectively.
They practice this in their learning. Whether you’re someone who recreates the school model at home in how you teach, or unschool, or anything in between. Kids will learn by asking questions. Because we are often 1 parent to just a few kids we’re teaching, it’s easy to see the confusion in their face to know they don’t understand something. And it’s easy to call it out without embarrassing them until they get old enough to recognize how to ask other questions. “Hey Marie, you look like you’re confused by this, is it making sense? No, okay, what’s the last part we covered that did make sense, or do you know what part specifically confused you?” and the conversation continues from there. Unschoolers often have an AMAZING advantage here because rather than following a specific curriculum, they follow child directed interests and use those to teach things. So, a kid has to articulate exactly what they’re interested in, or what question they’re trying to answer today.
A person who can maintain healthy boundaries socially, in their work life, over their media consumption, in their marriage and as a parent.
Boundaries. This is something I think it almost harder to learn in school because it’s so easy to wind up isolated for 12 years. That will almost screw you up more. With the kids being home all day, parents are able to catch sibling disputes and work at having them articulate what they need rather than just lash out. I know people will argue, “that’s cute, we tried that when they were 3, 4, and 5 and it just wasn’t happening, no way it happens later.” And I agree, at 3, 4, and 5, trying to talk them through verbal resolutions and boundary setting is super hard outside of the basic, “don’t touch me.” From 2-7 kids are very egocentric (developmentally appropriate). Their world is very small, and they think in concrete terms with little reasoning/logic skills. They’ve just barely gotten a vocabulary large enough to fully express all their emotions. From 7-11 they start to gain the ability to use inductive logic skills. This is where being able to understand setting a boundary as less about being mean, and more about preventing the thing that’s going to bother them. “If I tell someone to stop,” while tickling me, I haven’t told them I don’t like to be tickled, I just told them to stop, and it doesn’t help with the long term of not wanting this.” This age is when you can really start to teach them boundary setting and communication with others. Sadly, public school is not set up to provide a mediated type of setting to get through all disputes. They’d be doing it all day. And so unless parents are actively involved in doing this at home, a public school child will often not really start to understand healthy boundary settings and emotional communication until much later in life. As a homeschooler, our sanity requires teaching them to work things out with their sibling or their peers because we don’t want to be babysitting this behavior and listening to the yelling and crying for the next 12 years.
A person with introspective abilities to see the role they played in a situation, and to understand where they need to take ownership and make changes. A person who know the difference between what they can and cannot change.
Every incident she encountered with peers I would ask her what her role was. If she came to me telling me she had xyz with another child, my first question was, “what was happening before that child did xyz?” I always wanted to hear both parts. As we’d brainstorm resolutions, I’d ask, “what was your part in this? What was your part in the problem?” followed by, “what is your part in the solution?” Kids will collaborate with peers on projects. They work as a group. They go to gymnastics and soccer and art classes and karate. All of these put them in positions where they are not in complete control. They take instructions. They have to go to their coaches and say, “I’m having a hard time with this skill, what can I practice outside of the game or practice to improve it?” We often give them ownership of their extracurricular and also send them to have the discussions with whoever leads it. I constantly ask, “what have you done to try to resolve this on your own first, or is there a reason you do not feel safe trying to resolve this on your own?” Often times, if she feels unsafe, I will accompany her as another adult to level the playing field, and allow her to communicate for herself. It’s never actually been feeling unsafe so much as it is she’s not used to having an open dialogue with that adult the same way she is at home with Mom and Dad.
A person who knows what makes them happy, and can set goals and work to achieve them. A person who is respectful of the difference between others, and understands the difference between being offensive and simply hearing something you disagree with or don’t like. Respecting people’s ability to believe in what they’d like, pursue what they’d like, dream what they’d like and be what they’d like provided it doesn’t infringe on someone’s personal or constitutional rights.
I think this is reasonable. It does not require you to be introvert or an extrovert. It does not require them to work for someone else, own a large company, or only work for themselves. It does not require them to live in a big house, even move out of their parents home. It does not require a car, a license, college, a mountain of debt, a desire to drink or smoke, it does not require affiliation to a political party, it does not require any label of self, it is attainable by every person regardless of those other choices they make.
Let’s start with using manners. This is what? Please & thank you? Active listening?
