Abstaining from Abstinence, What Our Generation Missed Out On
A group I’m in recently had a post. She explained how she had come to recognize that maybe a better conversation regarding sex was in order for her 16 year old, but honestly, how do you go about having it?
I haven’t had to have that talk with my own daughter yet. However, I am fortunate enough to remember my teen years well, perhaps a little too well. Insert a series of unfortunate events, followed by a series of unfortunate people in my life, and by the time I graduated high school, my reputation was not one I was am proud of looking back. Promiscuous would have been putting it kindly. I was never into drugs, I wasn’t into partying, I never snuck out. All in all, I was a good kid. Great grades, graduated, kept my nose pretty clean. But, I was a girl trying to fill an emotional hole the way most girls do. Boys.
My dating talk? Didn’t have one. Sex talk? Well, there was the reproductive unit in 5th grade where my teacher used an analogy involving spaghetti which I then refused to eat for years following. An 8th grade sex ed class where I was horrified when the kid I had a silent crush on for years filled a whiteboard with so many euphemisms for the sexual anatomy of both genders that my crush turned to absolute disgust. And then there was church. Where we had promise rings from our parents about not having sex outside of marriage, and where the general conversation from the church was that as a woman, my value was determined by how much I aligned myself with women from the Bible. How pure, how Christian, how whatever, I was. You know what’s wrong with that message? When you get raped, your understanding is that you are no longer of value, you are no longer pure, you could no longer be wanted. Beyond that, there was no conversation at home other than the continued only half joke of, “No dating till you’re married, no sex till you have kids.” The sex talk needs to be so much more than the abstinence only talk.
So, when I saw this post pop up, I instantly was brought back to being a teen…only now through my parent goggles. And I thought, “Man, I can’t tell you for sure what say to your daughter from experience as the parent, but I can tell you the conversation I wish my parents would have had with me, and the conversation my husband and I have talks about a lot, of how we intend to handle this with our daughter when the time comes.” And so, I give you, the talk I wish I had gotten as a teen. The things I wish parents had either thought to say, or not been too embarrassed to say. For as much as you feel awkward having the talk, discussing your teens as sexual beings, I can promise you they feel at least that much fear about how to approach their position in the world. So here it is. Use it if you need, copy and paste that shit into a letter and give it to your child if that’s easier. But, the ball is in your court parents. And if you don’t open that door, I promise you, your kid will not either. They will understand it’s just not something we talk about, and you are not the person they go to before they have a problem, but rather only once they have a problem they cannot solve themselves (and they’ve tried everything they know or can do on their own).
Dear Son or Daughter,
Hey, you’re 16. You’ve got 1 foot in the door of adulthood and 1 foot in the door of being a minor still. It’s a tough spot. This talk might feel awkward, but especially now that you’re dating, it’s one we need to have. I’m going to do my best to make this not long and drawn out, or full of emotion and strange. If this being a 2 way conversation makes you uncomfortable, I respect that. I am okay if this is just a one sided chat right now. Likewise, if you have questions or want to talk, please don’t feel like you can’t interrupt me to do so, or come back to me later. If, at the end of this, the only thing you have in you is an, “okay,” and you walk away, I am not offended. I get it. I was a teen once. But, I’m going to have the talk with you that my mother didn’t have with me. I want you to know I’m not scared of this talk, and I’m going to be the person to open the door on it, so you can come to me if you need to.
First off, let’s make 1 thing clear. As your parent, if I could choose for you what to do, it would be my choice that you wait until you’ve graduated high school to have sex. I also understand that you’re at an age where if you really want to to do this, you’re going to find a way. So, at minimum, it is my wish that you wait until you find someone that you love and respect, and who loves and respect you too. Someone you feel safe with, and are in a healthy relationship with. While your value as a person, a girlfriend/boyfriend or a wife/husband will never change based on the number of partners you’ve had, there is something to be said for having a standard for the people you choose as partners, so that they’re part of an elite few rather than a convenient crowd.
While what love feels like is hard to put into words, and will be different for everyone, there are some minimums to knowing love. It isn’t a magical thing that just happens upon first sight, that’s attraction. It’s not a minimum number of days, weeks, months, or dates together. Love is built over time, time to build trust, communication, safety. You cannot truly know that you love and are loved by someone until you have had disagreements with them. How you treat one another when you don’t see eye to eye, when you challenge them will speak volumes. Do either of you raise your voice? Take cheap blows? Insult one another? Get big and loud and try to intimidate one another? That is not love, not genuine and pure love. Until you feel safe enough to tell them what you want and what you don’t want (not even just sexually), and don’t fear their response, your relationship is not at a place that will benefit from sex. If you do not feel like tomorrow you could tell them exactly how you want to be touched, and that you could safely tell them stop in the middle of sex, even if you’ve had it 100 times before, and know that they would listen, your relationship will not benefit from it. Your heart and your self worth will not benefit from it. Honestly, it’s entirely possible that your relationship with sex as a whole will not benefit from it.
Consent. Consent is not just the absence of the word, “no.” While “no,” can and should be said when needed, there is more. If the other person is not displaying body language that seems like this is something they’re equally interested in, while they are not saying no, they are also not verbally or physically saying yes. Stop. You can always, always, always, have sex later. You can never undo a bad decision. You can never undo having sex with someone who didn’t want to. It is, 1000% okay to stop, to have an honest conversation about what both people genuinely want and are ready for.
No. Means. No. “I don’t know,” means “no.” “I’m not sure,” “Maybe some other night,” “I don’t know you that well,” “I’m just not that comfortable with it,” “What if someone catches us,” means no. First off, always say what you mean. If you mean no, say, “no.” Anything less than, “no,” may sound like an obstacle that can be overcame. If you hear anything other than, “no,” it is not an obstacle to overcome. Treat it like a, “no,” and respect they’re not able to give you a resounding yes.
Guilting or being guilted into saying, “yes,” is not attractive, it is not respectful, and it is not a sign of someone who will respect a, “no,” during sex when something hurts or your mind has been changed. Guilt is a red flag. Don’t wave it, and don’t chase after it.
Alcohol. Drinking impairs your judgement and that of others around you. It diminishes your ability to tell who is an enthusiastic participant during sex. It clouds judgement, steps are forgotten, pregnancies and STD’s happen. Considering if you have been drinking, your tolerance is probably low since you’re not legally allowed to do so anyway, I would not suggest mixing alcohol and sex during these years.
Safety. I understand if you really want to do this, you’re going to find a way. While it is my wish that you would wait, that is not a choice I get to make for you or intimidate you into making. A choice I do get to make for you is what you know about the risks. No matter how much contraception you use, there is always a chance one or all of them will fail and you could get pregnant. Vasectomies fail, condoms fail, birth control fails, the pull out method fails, tracking your ovulation cycle fails. The only sure way to not get pregnant is no sex. If you do not know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the birth control has not been sitting in the heat for patches and rings, or has been taken at the same time every day and not had medication that lower its efficacy rate, do not rely only on it. Often times girls get put on birth control to regulate their cycle, sometimes as a precaution in the event someone takes advantage of them. But, because they are not being prescribed it as part of an active sex life, they rarely pay attention to all the nuances to using it properly for preventing pregnancies. So, please be prepared to accept the possible outcome of pregnancy should you choose to have sex. Understand that in a moment, the rest of your life may no longer be about you. Understand that while the world may talk about abortion as an option, that is not without its own consequences. Both physical ones, and emotional ones.
Beyond pregnancy, there are diseases. Are you both sure you’re clean? Even if neither of you have ever been with someone else, there are still diseases that can be passed via sex. “I’m a virgin,” is not an excuse to not get tested. Are you both prepared to go to your doctor or clinic and get a test and ensure there is no chance you are passing anything on? Condoms break (especially Durex). Even with the best intentions, things can happen that expose you to infections. Know what it is you’re risking. Is that risk worth the reward?
Emotions. If you break up tomorrow, or in a month, or in a year, will you regret having sex with them? Will you look back and say, “gosh, that wasn’t worth it,” or will you look back and say, “I really loved them, and I was expressing that love in a safe and healthy way and a safe and healthy relationship, and I regret nothing.”
Ask yourself why. There are lots of reasons to have sex, or participate in sexual acts. For pleasure (though this often will not be the case in your early years as rarely are women comfortable expressing what they need, and often boys are not terribly familiar with how pleasure in women actually works), to express feelings, for a hit of oxytocin (the hormone your body produces in response to physical affection), because you feel pressured, because you fear losing someone if you don’t, because you feel like it’s what you’re supposed to do, because you feel like it’s the adult thing to do and you’re craving more adult responsibility/interaction. I don’t begin to know your reason, and honestly, I’ll never know exactly what it is you’re feeling because I’m not you. But, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. NEVER make a big decision if you’re in a HALT moment (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired). It is absolutely the worst time to decide to have sex with someone. Check yourself first, are you experiencing any of these? Eat something, calm down, snuggle someone and hang out with friends, and get some sleep before making a choice. Some of the worst decisions are made because you need one of those 4 things. Know that having sex to feel better about yourself, to fix loneliness or to keep a boyfriend/girlfriend absolutely never works well and will always exacerbate the problem at hand.
Know that you are never required to follow through. You can flirt to high heaven, you can talk as dirty as you’d like, you can promise whatever you want. But, you can always say no, and you can always walk away. They can solve their own unmet urge/arousal. That said, if you do it enough times, you might get a reputation about being a tease. I’d rather you be a tease than sleep around when you don’t want to. But, the best way to avoid this is to be mindful in how you flirt. If you’re not prepared to act on it, just don’t say it. There are so many ways to express you’re attracted to someone and flirt with them that doesn’t involve hinting at or promising sexual acts you don’t intend to deliver. And even if you intend to deliver on them, if the time comes and it just doesn’t feel right, again, you can say no. This is why it’s so important to truly know who it is you’re being intimate with, because “no,” happens, even in marriage. And mutual respect is such a huge part of that. You should also be aware that there are people out there that do not take, “no,” as an answer. It is not right, there are legal steps you can take afterwards, and you do not need to just deal with it. That said, be mindful of who are are flirting with and to what degree. People who wind up getting raped never expect it, and while they didn’t ask for it, flirting with someone you have no interest in pursuing may land you on the radar of someone who won’t take no for an answer.
If you’re old enough to be having sex, you’re old enough to buy your own condoms and buy a pregnancy test. I don’t ever want you in a position of relying on someone else to ensure your protection, or your responsibility to a child you created. Please know if someone sees you buy these things and reports it back to me, I will be proud of you for making safe and mature decisions and not mad. Again, while my preference is that you’re not having sex, and I’m not going to open up our house and tell you to go nuts, I realize where there is a will there is a way, and if that’s your choice, I want you to at least be doing it safely, responsibly, and legally (so no sex in public, and be aware of the age of consent)
I hope, in having this conversation, you understand that if you come to me with questions. Technical questions, medical questions, emotional questions, we can talk. No judgement here. The internet is filled with information, but not all of it may be what you’re looking for, or applicable. I would definitely appreciate the ability to help you find accurate information for questions you have, or schedule you an appointment with your doctor so they can answer those questions accurately if you’re not comfortable talking with me. The most important thing is your safety, and that includes the type of knowledge you have surrounding this.
Last, know that I love you. You are going to make decisions that I would not make for you. That is part of growing into a young adult. I agree to understand that your choices are your own to make provided you are not putting yourself or others in harms way, if you agree that if ever you get in danger, you call me. No questions asked, no long lecture, you call me. I would so much rather have to leave my house at 3 am to come get you because you’ve decided you want or need out of a situation than for you to feel like you don’t have a choice but to deal with it.
