Being Intentional, Rather Than Passive, In Your Life part 2
Previously, I discussed the importance of being intentional rather than passive with your life, and some generic overall views. I’m going to share a bit more on how this all came to take place for me, and it started with my marriage.
I was married young. I did not grow up seeing a marriage that I wanted for myself daily. My grandparents stayed together until death. I wanted that. I wanted the, “divorce isn’t an option,” marriage. I understand there are places that divorce may be necessary, but my goal was to pick a person whose fundamental values would mean that there would need to be some serious character changes in their life for divorce to be on the table, at least from me.
I’m glad to say, I chose well. But, that being said, it was not always easy. As a young wife, and without a healthy marriage to seek advice from around me, I had zero clue what I was doing. Nobody explained to me that a marriage isn’t something you have because you get married. You get a husband when you get married. And you and your husband need to build a marriage. If you don’t, then you may not get the marriage you want.
In the first 3 years of our lives together, we moved across country twice, bought a house, left the military, started a new job, and decided to try for kids. Our marriage was not bad, It was not neglectful, abusive or spiteful. But, that being said, we didn’t have a good marriage either. The Navy wives that I was surrounded by had been my only example of marriages. What it taught me was the more you complain about your husband and find all his faults, belittle him and make fun of him, the more apt you were to bond with the women. And considering your spouse was out to sea for 6 months at a time, all you had left was the women. I hadn’t seen someone outwardly appreciate and love their spouse, talk them up, speak highly of them. Gosh, what a patronizing group of girls we were. None of us had any business being married at that time. But, alas, you live and learn, and if you’re lucky you save the beautiful thing that was put in your hands before you wind up crushing it.
About the time our daughter was born, a book seemed like it was EVERYWHERE. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My marriage wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t the one I wanted. After hearing so many people talk about this book, I picked it up to see what the hype was all about. Previously, my interests had been fiction, trashy romance novels at that, so this was really the first piece of non-fiction I had picked up since a textbook in school. And let me tell you, this book was a game changer in my marriage. It did not fix everything, however it opened my eyes to just how much my husband loved me, even though he wasn’t bringing home flowers, and gifts, and planning elaborate get-a-ways, and all the other things society/romance movies and novels/media says he should be doing in order to show he loves me. We both read the book, we had open talks about what we identified as our love language, and it helped us get on the same page. It allowed me to see how he loved me everyday in his own love language, and also allowed me to see how he loved me when he took the time to intentionally speak mine. And vice versa. If you haven’t read this book yet, I cannot recommend it enough.
I was hooked. I started to veraciously consume marriage books. Some great, some not. Not because I was desperate to save my marriage, but because I had been given a glimpse of what gaining knowledge/tools on a subject I had never experienced before could do. I had never been married before, I didn’t grow up in a home with a marriage that I wanted to emulate. I wanted something different, but I had zero idea how to get that. The minimum exposure I had to, “self help” books was usually because society referenced them as shameful. Business books, great. Marriage, emotional health, parenting books? Eh, not so much. At least when I was younger.
And so I read. I read and I read and I read. I learned a lot about myself. About the wife I wanted to be. That being happily married wasn’t just about what my husband brought to the table, but what I brought to the table. My husband was working 50-75 hour work weeks at the time. His availability to read was minimal. But, he was always open to hear powerful passages, or recaps of things that hit home for me or were eye openers. As a stay at home mom, I had more time available to read than he did. I had to remember if he was willing to listen and willing to learn, then I couldn’t be mad that he opted to take the information in, in a way that was different than myself. He was trying, and that was a lot more than can be said for many.
The more I read, the more I had to really think about my role in our marriage. Did I appreciate him? Even if it was appreciating that he was going to work, and working hard, so that our daughter could be raised by a parent rather than a daycare provider? Did I appreciate that he supported my dreams and crazy ideas? Did I support his? What tone was I setting when he came home from work? Was I word vomiting about all the things had gone wrong that day and unloading my plate, only to make his more full? I couldn’t tell you a thing about his job at that time (nuclear power was beyond me), but was I using my not knowing as an excuse to not care? In my effort to make sure we had time together, was I leaving him so depleted of time that he had nothing left for himself? What could I change to change the tone of our marriage. We were both givers, we both wanted this marriage, we were both willing to do whatever it took to enjoy it. But, the question was, what did it take? And as with fixing anything, the fix doesn’t happen immediately. One person has to be willing to bend first, even if they’re not seeing results.
So, in your marriage, I’ll ask, how are you being intentional? Are you setting aside time for one another? Are you asking what’s on the other’s agenda/schedule that you can possibly help out with? What can you do as a team? Are you setting aside time to communicate? Do you set goals together? For your marriage, for your home, for your lives? Do you know what you want next year to look like? 5 years from now? How about retirement? Without goals, there’s no direction. If you don’t know the end point, how do you know what path to take?
It’s really easy to be passive in your marriage. To just assume that the reason it is how it is, is because of the other person. It’s easy to “match their energy,” as the phrase goes today. But marriage isn’t about matching the other person’s energy. It’s not about snide remarks, it’s not about who has control, it’s not about who did more that day, or who has more responsibilities. It’s not about who makes the money, who stays with the kids. It’s not going tic for tac. Marriage is about each person giving whatever their 100% looks like for that day. Some days, your 100% may look different than others. But, you give all that you can that day. You do what you can’t. You don’t throw in the towel because someone else 100% looks different (assuming it’s 100%). You don’t throw in the towel because you’ve done your 9-5 and brought home the paycheck and your job is done. You don’t stop parenting and not take care of dinner because your husband is home and your 9-5 while he’s at work is finally done. Marriage is being active participants in your life, your home, and your marriage. Read what you need to read, seek help where you need help, be vulnerable where you need to be vulnerable. But, whatever you do, don’t be passive.
