Part 6 of Understanding Social Friendships for Kids
The last category is family. If you’re just joining, feel free to go catch up with strangers, acquaintances, peers, friends, and friends for tweens. There might be a bit of controversy here on what I’m about to say, but, I’m going to say it anyway. When it comes to the levels of social friendships, family has absolutely nothing to do with who you share blood with. Relatives are the people you share blood with. They’re the ones that you will find when doing your family history. You can draw someone a map or a tree for how you happen to be connected to this person. But, that is not family. Some of your relatives can absolutely be your family, but to do so means they put in the time and effort just like everyone else. The level of trust, openness, vulnerability and time given to people who you call “family,” is something earned. It is not something magically granted to someone on the basis of sharing a bloodline.
That said, you choose your family. For kids, this starts as their trusted adults. The people you feel comfortable leaving your child with. The people your kid can talk to and you know the adult will clue you in on what’s happening in their life if need be. It’s the adults you tell your child, “If you ever can’t get in touch with me, you may always call Miss Leah or Miss Mary.”
As they branch into the tween years, it’s the contacts you put in whatever phone they’re allowed to take with them when they’re not near you. It’s the people who you trust your child to call and say, “I can’t get in touch with Mom or Dad, and I need a ride home, can you come get me?” The people who will pick your kid up, make sure they get to somewhere safe (be it their house or yours) and then ensure they’ve spoken to you before leaving them alone, if that’s the direction.
These people are important. Often times, these people are adults. It is entirely possible to find a teen who doesn’t suffer from the previously mentioned, “I’m not dramatic, drama just finds me.” They are, however, a rare unicorn, to be treasured, with parents who are to be praised, for sure. The discernment skills on how to ACTUALLY help someone through a social situation is not something a teen often has. Their long view is not quite long enough. But, they may be trustworthy enough to know not to listen to gossip, to know when someone is venting and/or looking for help vs. when they’re trying to stir the pot. They may at least know not to repeat what was said unless it’s to their own adult on feedback for how to help. But, as a whole, people make it into the family category once you become an adult.
In our case, we have moved around a lot, and don’t happen to live close by relatives. But, we have built a village of people who are absolutely amazing. These are the people I would trust with my kid’s life. I would call in a heartbeat to watch or care for her if we landed in a hospital or emergency situation. These are people who are in her trusted contacts list. People who she knows will care for and protect her as if she was their own while she is in their care. These are not people she picked out, these are not people she screened. These are people who started as an acquaintance or peer, became a friend, and who spend summers in our backyard, often times multiple times a week. People who come over as entire families, not just their kids. People who I’ve probably met their relatives. These are people who we have put in her life as family. And, she always gets a say. So, while I may absolutely adore a family, before I give them to her as a trusted adult, her dad and I sit and have a conversation with her. Is she okay with them being a trusted adult? Does she feel comfortable with them (both parents) and with their kids? If something came up and she had to be with them for a few days on end, would she feel safe? Does her inner voice give her any feelings of being uncomfortable? Has anything been done that has made her uncomfortable? We have honest talks about grooming and appropriate adult/child interaction and conversations, she knows what a red flag looks like and to speak up. We have codes for her to let us know something isn’t right without needing to draw attention to a situation. Someone does not move to, “family” status before they are cleared by everyone under our roof.
But, in our providing “family,” via our village of friends, our daughter has started to understand the concept that family is not who you’re born with, it’s the people you choose and who choose you. And that includes us, as her parents. I don’t get some magic access to her life simply because I’m Mom. She wasn’t born with this relationship for the two of us. It’s something we’ve built. We choose time together, activities together, conversations, trust building, and even apologizing when one of us is wrong. My relationship with her has never been built on, “because I’m the adult and because I said so.” Being family is a privilege, and one that nobody here takes lightly.
Lastly, “not our people“
